Do it with Fear {or} How Yoga Helped Me During a Boudoir Shoot {or}Stop Waiting

I couldn't decide on the title for this blog, so that's why I went with all three of them.  As many of you know, I am all about some fear and embracing our fears {within reason of course, I will NOT try to get over my fear of snakes, so don't even try to come at me with that one}.  So about a month ago, a friend of mine who lives in Charlotte, Jacquelyn, who is a photographer posted that she was going to doing boudoir shoots! She is an amazing photog and so I jokingly {in my usual self-deprecating way} stated that if she needed a test model that require a ton of Photoshop editing, I would be happy to come up!

P.S.  If you live in the Charlotte Area and need a photographer, please check out Jacquelyn's work! AMAZING!!!

Well, careful what you joke about.... a friend invited me to join a private FB group for a local boudoir photographer and her work was just as stunning as Jacquelyn's! I researched a little bit more about Elizabeth and discovered that she was very body-positive and I liked her viewpoint on boudoir photos as honestly the thought of me being in front of the camera terrified me, not even forgetting being scantily clad! But I realized that I didn't have to be scantily clad.  I saw models of all different shapes, sizes and colors, all covered up and then not so much.  So I did a crazy thing... I booked a shoot with Elizabeth! I even booked it for just a couple weeks out, as I was worried I would chicken out.

Also, because there is no such time as the "right time." Was I happy with the way my body looked and have I been happy with it? I'll be honest... Nope. But I decided to accept my body and myself and do the shoot anyways. I had seen that Elizabeth worked with "curvy" and "full figured" women and she posted on her website, that she wanted to shoot women of all different sizes and shapes. I could have booked it a couple months out {or even a couple years ha ha}, but that wasn't the point. The point was to accept myself now, in this moment and time. I could have worked out like crazy and dieted like crazy, would I have been happier? I'll be honest, probably not. That's where perfection comes into play for me. I still wouldn't have been 100% happy. That's the trap we fall into... Not skinny enough, not tone enough, not curvy enough. So why wait? Why set a likely unreasonable and unrealistic goal or expectation for myself that I probably wouldn't have met. That would make me feel really good right {enter sarcasm}? 

There is no perfect time. Stop waiting. How many opportunities have you missed because it wasn't "the right time?" What does that even mean? Stop living on autopilot and start living in the now!! Do it is with fear! Embrace that thing called fear. Stop letting it control your life and start leaning into it! What's the worst that could happen? Take the example above, someone could tell me the nasty things that I already sometimes think about myself. 

If you are a client of mine reading this, I've told you. I'm not perfect. I struggle with the same things you do. I body shame myself. But then I call myself out on it, practice self-compassion and move on. What if what you really wanted was on the other side of fear? What if you did fail? Was it still worth the risks you took? Did you learn anything? What if you succeeded? What if you felt empowered? What did you learn? 

I did this shoot for me. Not for anyone else. To feel empowered and sexy and all the other amazing feelings that I felt that "they" tell me I shouldn't feel or that I should feel bad about feeling. And in the spirit of honesty and transparency, I've never really felt really good about myself.  I've always felt awkward and out of place.  I usually blame it on my height, I can look back on photos from middle school and I"m a good head taller than my classmates.  I'm sure I've definitely projected that insecurity on others as well and they sensed it.  I've just struggled always feeling accepted, primarily due to my height.  Many of my closest friends...I'm a good 6 inches taller than them. And I won't body shame myself publicly on here.  I know my lack of confidence is seen by others.

I can't stress enough how incredibly powerful it felt to do this just for me. I've been inspired by so many other warriors the last few years, one of them being a friend from middle school. Funny as we both ended up being yoga teachers. She has taught me so much. She was a huge inspiration for me to do this. I admire her and am in awe of her. She continues to push herself out of her comfort zone, not apologizing for who she is and finally embracing the amazing woman that I saw back when we were kids... she's just now seeing her in herself.

Of course I have to bring yoga into this.  I was amazed at how some simple yoga poses helped me hold poses and allow me to center myself and feel myself in these poses.  Sama Vritti (equal ratio) pranayama (breathing) helped calm me down and reduce my anxiety.  Low slow exhales did the same.  Cat/Cow helped me arch my back and as Elizabeth frequently said "pop your booty!" I kinda made a game out of it when Elizabeth explained a pose and I'm sure she got annoyed with me when I said "oh like (insert yoga pose here)!" I used sphinx/cobra pose frequently and then almost a reverse puppy/melting heart.

I think I"m going to create a Boudoir Asana Sequence for Elizabeth to share with her models!

So I"d love to challenge all my fellow goddess warriors out there to do this! Book a boudoir shoot!

Really go out of your comfort zone! When you play the anxiety out...what do you really have to lose?  More importantly, ask yourself...what do you have to gain?